Saturday, April 17, 2004 ::: Is Love the Answer to the Problem of Human Existence?
sometimes i wonder if God exists, or if there's a purpose to anything in life ... then i remember how i met Erin ... it was pure coincidence, pure chance ... but as any good writer can tell you, everything that happens, must happen for a reason ...
during the time that i met her, i just got out of a relationship with Kristina ... and that relationship meant a lot to me, and the relationship she and i have now is still means a lot to me ... but for a while we didn't talk, especially when she started going out with Orin ... so in jealousy, i wanted to get into a relationship as well, i wanted to feel needed ... maybe it may have been immature on my part, but i was also influenced by a bunch of other ppl that i blame for the while mess ... i started going out with Hanna, and we went through the whole checking and dealing phase for two months ...
during those two months however, i spent so much time with the guys ... out cruising in Dan's car, hanging out at Nam's place, having party's at Jason Lee's, and watching Bogues make a god of himself at CSUNA ... i loved it ... i started feel like my life had meaning again ...
except when i was with Hanna, because then i'd just feel confused of whether she really liked me or not ... and if she didn't, i felt like i wasn't needed ... when we broke up i almost started going down another downwards spiral trying to find someone else to have something special with ...
luckily i found Erin before i made and ass of myself ... it was over the internet ...
she was browsing through MSN Profiles for the first time and she found mine ... so she sent me a message, but it ended up in my junk box cuz i have my filter set on high ... usually i just let stuff in my junk box automatically get deleted after a week, but fortunately i happened to find her e-mail, so i read it ... she seemed nice, and she read my blog so i was flattered ... so i sent her my MSN contact ...
a couple of days later, i go on a disastrous blind date, and i end up back at Nam's ... i went on his computer and got on MSN, and to my surprise, some one asks for my authorization ... it was Erin
from then on we talked more and more over MSN ... we learnt a lot about each other, and she gives me her phone number so i can call her with a phone card ... i finally get to talk to her, and we talk over the phone for weeks ... it felt so great bonding with someone like that ...
finally we get to see each other after Christmas, and it was literally love at first sight ... i tell my parents about her and they drive me to her place at Grimsby on new years day, where we make it official that we're going out ...
a month later she comes to my semi-formal ... she comes to my place first to change, and while she's there i pull off the sweetest stunt ever ... she absolutely loved it ...
the semi was great and after that, we go off to her dad's place in Newmarket, where we spend a beautiful weekend with each other ...
the next weekend was my birthday ... and she was able to organize a surprise birthday party with my mom and Bogues ... it was the best birthday i've ever had ...
for the whole of February ... it felt like a magical beautiful fairy tale that could only happen in dreams ... but it was real, and i loved it ...
but now, and it hurts me so much to say it, like there's a great weight in my heart that's sinking me down ... but something feels different now ... something feels wrong ...
after living in my head playing around with philosophical ideas, and living in a reality that seemed like a dream come true ... i came to the belief that love is the answer to the problem of human existence ... love gives us a sense of fulfillment that fills up the emptiness in our soul, that begs for meaning, that cries for a purpose in life ... it answers the question "why am i here?" and "how am i important?" ...
and Erin gave that to me ... in loving her and being loved, i felt fulfilled ... the emptiness in side my filled ... i felt like i had a meaning in life, and that i was needed, that i was important ...
but now, i'm being confused by so many other feelings ... feelings that are making me depressed ... that are making me feel un-needed like i'm not important, like i've lost my meaning in life and i no longer have a purpose ... and for the longest time, i didn't know why ...
does it make sense that i get jealous because my girlfriend is spending so much time with her 'best friend' Phil, staying out late with him, making sexual jokes and all that other nonsense? ... does it make sense i'm jealous cuz they hug each other so often, and i don't get hugs from anyone else except her (which i don't hug her often enough anyways)? ... does it make sense that i sympathize with Phil's ex-girlfriend who's jealous of Erin cuz they have such a great bond together?
does it make sense that she's having the time of her life ... spending time with friends, singing in concerts and dancing in tournaments ... and i'm still depressed? ...
does i make sense that i feel jealous of her because she gets a sense of fulfillment from all those other things, and i have nothing to make me feel fulfilled? ...
why is it that, even though i've been looking for that sense of fulfillment in so many other places, i still can't find it?
and does it make sense that my only sense of fulfillment came from her? ... and yet, i don't get that sense of fulfillment anymore?
just two weeks ago, she spent two nights singing in the spotlight for an audience of hundreds of people, with a trio of world renown jazz musicians ... she moved people to tears, and in turn their reactions moved her as well ... it was seriously something that she'd never forget ...
and i'm happy for her ... it's great that she was so happy doing something she absolutely loves ... but at the same time, i feel left out ...
that whole week for me wasn't spectacular at all tho ... i was supposed to see her the weekend before that, but instead the day started off horribly with my whole family turning on me blatantly attacking me with threats, because they overreacted to something i did ... they were all stressed out for the past few weeks, and i had the unfortunate priviledge of being the one they all took it out on ... and of course, i didn't see Erin at all that weekend ...
the week before that, i bought a ring for Erin, just to tell her how much i really loved her ... i was supposed to give it to her that weekend, but since i couldn't, i sent it over the mail instead ... which got delayed ... fortunately, she received it on Holy Thursday, after her concerts ... she opened it over the webcam cuz i wanted to see her reaction ... but of course by that time, i was already exhausted from the depression of feeling left out and unfulfilled ... i guess i must have ruined the mood when she opened it ... actually, i think my mood must've ruined her whole week ... we talked about that on Good Friday, and she told me that my mood was bringing her down, and she really doesn't want to feel depressed ... so all she could say was: "Stop being so depressed and just be happy!"
well anyways ... before our conversation finished, her friends came over to visit ... not wanting to keep her, i told her i'd just talk to her later ... but unfotunately, i had to leave for work and her friends were still there when i called again ... now while i was at Blockbusters working, she was hanging out having tonnes of fun with her friends ...
fortunately, i got to see her the next day, but i talked to her before i left ... and as she was telling me about how much fun she had, my mood began to depress her again ...
when i got to her place, she was already moody and she told me that "she feels like she doesn't want to talk to me when i'm this way because i'll just depress her" ...
so later that night as we continued our conversation over the phone, i broke into tears and i told her the best thing to do was to take a break because i didn't want to depress her ...
fortunately, she calls back later the next day telling me she couldn't do it, which made me feel needed ...
so for a while i actually felt good ...
well then this week on Tuesday, she took her G2 test and passed ... she was so happy, and i was honestly really happy for her as well ... we talked on the phone, and she brought something up about how close she's gotten to Phil ... she said something about how she always gets hugs from him ... and that made me feel like i wanted a hug as well ... i wanted to receive affection and understand that i'm being appreciated ...
so i sent her a virtual hug on and e-card that night, hoping that she'd show that she'd really appreciated it ... the next day, i get home at 7 after hanging out with my friends ... i was expecting to talk to her when i got home, but she wasn't home yet ... i call again at 8, and then again at 9, to find out that she's out driving with Phil ... so i go online and i start talking to a bunch of ppl i haven't talked to in a while, and that was kind of cool ...
when she gets online, she tells me to get off the net so she can call me ... i end all my other conversations, and then she tells me: "aww, thanks for the card" ... but when i get on the phone, she starts talking about how much fun she's having with Phil ... Phil this, Phil that
the problem was, i didn't wanna hear about Phil ... i was feeling really needy and really empty ... and all i wanted was for her to respond by showing a little more appreciation for what i did for her ... instead i hear, Phil, Phil, Phil ...
for the longest time, i didn't know what my problem was ... but i think i know now
it's lack of fulfillment ... for the longest time i've felt so unfulfilled, like when i was being yelled at by my parents ... and i kept looking to Erin to find a sense of fulfillment ... but when i realized i couldn't, i turned to philosophy, i turned to new-age mysticism, i turned to materialistic indulgence, i even tried turning to friends and i still couldn't find any sense of fulfillment ... nothing i did seemed to be important
feeling unfulfilled - not doing anything important - came from the fear of not being needed ... i turned to Erin again, trying to do little things for her like giving her a ring, sending her an e-card, virtual hugs, and virtual kisses ... and i'm sure she appreciated it all, but she was so busy with so many other things on her mind, that she didn't respond with the kind of appreciation i wanted ...
feeling important - knowing that i'm needed - comes from being reaffirmed and appreciated ... if she were to have shown a little more appreciation, i would have felt like i'm needed ... but she didn't show me as much appreciation as i was hoping for, so it felt like she didn't need me anymore ...
during her concerts all she kept talking was about singing and how the audience loved her, so it felt like she needed that more than she needed me ... and all she's been talking about lately is Phil, so it feels like she needs Phil more than she needed me ...
as if performing was more important to her, which it might be and i can't be angry at her for that ... or as if Phil was more important that me, which really makes me feel insecure
i don't feel like i'm needed anymore ... if i'm not needed, what am i here for? ... in this relationship? in this life? ... there's no longer any sense of fulfillment from her or from anything ...
doing all those little things for her, juss made me feel like i'm not needed in the relationship ... and nothing else, no matter what i did, didn't bring any sense of fulfillment either ...
i feel unappreciated, un-needed, and unfulfilled
i feel empty inside ...
like there's a huge gap inside of me begging to be filled with meaning
she can do whatever she wants, singing, dancing, hanging with Phil, if that's what makes her happy ... after all, i want her to be happy ...
but she has realize that i'm feeling ignored and unappreciated ...
she has to do something to make me feel needed again ...
and she has to understand that i simply can't just "snap out of it and be happy" ... because true human happiness comes from doing something important ... and for the longest time, nothing i've done for anyone or anything seems to matter ... so i just feel unfulfilled ...
if love isn't the answer to the problem of human existence, i can't find the answer anywhere else ... if it is, i don't feel loved anymore ...
i'm sorry ... what we had before was beautiful, i really felt loved, and that's why i brough it up ... she organized a surprise party for me and no one's ever done anything that affectionate for me before ... but now, i just can't feel anything ... i'm sorry, but i don't feel loved anymore ...
